A Scallywag’s Guide to Perfect Pirate Skin
Avast! Ye be reading the log of dread pirate captain Abraham Carver, who be known across all the seven seas as “Fancyhide”. If ye be a landlubber, begone with ye; but if ye be a fellow pirate, read on for the secret to me greatest treasure.
I soon be sailing for a destination better not mentioned. But know ye, that the seas where I’m headed be treacherous. So, I be scrawling this note to be buried with me most precious effects, so they will not be lost to Davy Jones’ locker.
Me crew be thinking this chest holds gold and jewels. But nay, in it I store me beloved skincare products. Why, did ye think I be called Abraham Fancyhide for nothing? Harrr!
There be many a lotion and ointment here, but four be important above all. If yer one of ‘em scurvy dogs who knows not how to use them, let me tell ye how a real pirate captain takes care of his skin.
The Precious, Precious Silver
First thing I do every morning bell be cleansing me face. If ye got nothing but sea water, then that must do for ye. But if ye can mix something in it, mayhaps some charcoal from a scorched English galleon, it be all the better!
After me face be clean, I reach for me toner. Using a toner be important, for it removes impurities, like scrubbing barnacles off the side off yer ship. Impurities or barnacles, send both to the depths.
For toning, I use TruSkin Daily Super Toner. It exfoliates me skin and leaves it clean, like the barnacle scrubber I mentioned. But there be more to this tonic than just that.
Ye might think that silver be only good for plundering off Spanish ships and spending in the inns of Tortuga. But ye be wrong, says I! There be much more to the shiny stuff than that!
The colloidal silver in me toner soothes me skin and reduces the effects of environmental stress. That be many a fancy word, so let me put it simply for ye - the silver repairs me skin from the harm of the cruel seas like a shipwright fixes the holes in me ship’s hull.
Since ye and I be pirates, we both know that ocean water has many a beneficial mineral. But jumping in the sea be not so smart - though the sharks would surely love yer for it, arrr!
Not to fret, though, for the Super Toner be loaded with ocean minerals. It lets me feel the splash of ocean water on me face without me having to walk the plank.
Vitamins for Scurvy and Skin
After I’ve applied me toner, it be time to use a serum. And nay, this be not like those serums the witches on far islands swamps be brewing.
Y’see, as much I love the sea spray, ocean water be salty. Add to that the constant sun in the high seas, and ye will find yer fancy skin drying up fast.
Using a serum helps me rehydrate me skin. Serums be finer and absorb faster than moisturizers. I be told that it be because them molley-cules in serums be much smaller.
As me serum, I be using TruSkin Vitamin C Serum. I knew this be the right one for me as soon as I heard its name. What pirate could resist vitamin C?
Scurvy be ever yer enemy when sailing the seas, and some vitamin C from a sip of lime juice (mixed with some grog, to be sure) be keeping the terrible sickness at bay. But there be even more to the vitamin.
The Caribbean sun be a harsh mistress, blazing down on ye all the time. Vitamin C helps protect me skin against sun damage, and repairs what damage already be done.
But not only that, this serum contains plenty of aloe, which be well known for soothing yer skin. Aloe be growing in Arabia, not in the middle of the sea, so it be a rare commodity to come by.
For this, I be always keeping me serum under lock and key. Keelhaul the dog who be trying to steal me precious aloe!
Under Me Eyepatch
Next in me skincare routine, I be reaching for me TruSkin Eye Gel. If ye be a pirate, ye will love grog. And if ye love grog, there be nights when ye drink a whole barrel! Harr harr!
But alas, in the morning, ye may be regretting yer decisions when ye wake with puffy and bloodshot eyes. All that saltwater and flying fish getting in me ol’ peepers nay be helping either, nor sweating under an eyepatch.
Lucky me then, that I pillaged me Eye Gel from the daughter of the mayor of Port Royal! Ye need only apply a dollop the size of a pearl - like the ones I’ve adorned me cutlass with - on yer fingertip and dab it under yer eyes.
But if ye be having a hook instead of fingers like me, don’t ye worry. The back curve of yer hook works just as well.
A doctor on Hispaniola told me that this gel contains “plant stem cells and peptides”. I be not exactly sure what they be, but I assume they come from plant stems. In any case, the doctor told me they be good for ye, to be sure!
Moisturize and It’s Anchors Aweigh!
Just like a pirate ship be nay complete without a Jolly Roger up the mast, yer skincare routine be nay complete without a moisturizer. Here I only trust TruSkin Vitamin C Moisturizer.
Need I repeat meself about all the good vitamin C does for ye? The more of it I can smear on me skin, the better, I figures.
This moisturizer holds many a natural ingredient, too. I read on the label scrawlings that there be green tea, sunflower, and dandelion in it, and many more.
My previous first mate once laughed at me for liking all ‘em flowers. So I made him walk the plank! All these things be smelling good and tasting good, and that’s why they must be good for yer skin too, says I!
There also be shea butter in me moisturizer. The shea nut be growing in deepest Africa, and so its butter be hard to come by in the Caribbean, but it be worth it. It protects me fine skin from the rays of the sun and the burn of the blowing winds in the high seas.
It also pleases me that I can apply makeup over this moisturizer. Like many a pirate, I wear kohl to protect me eyes from the sun’s evil glare. The Vitamin C Moisturizer gives me no problem at all, lest I would’ve already thrown the whole tube overboard.
So, now ye be in the know of the secret to me greatest treasure - me flawless skin! If ye be reading me scrawlings here, it means I sank to the sea on me latest dangerous adventure. Or maybe I found a bonnie lass who convinced me to give up me pirating ways, harrr!
Whatever the case, may these instructions serve ye well. Abide by them, and mayhaps ye be the next one to bear the title Fancyhide!
With me best regards,
Abraham “Fancyhide” Carver
About Ilari Kauppila
Ilari "Ile" Kauppila is a jack-of-all-trades freelance writer and editor with a professional background of more than 10 years. Born in Finland, he started as a translator before establishing himself in magazine production and creative/copy writing. In addition to skincare, he has written extensively about the environment, biofuels, agriculture, food, music, tabletop gaming, and more. On his free time, he's an avid hiker and miniature modeler.